Gone Gone Gone

Part way through the first chapter of Guns, Germs and Steel, Jared Diamond starts into a pretty interesting story about extinction. Sg, you seem to be pretty keen on animals, so maybe one day you'll find this interesting. The story goes like this: animals that evolved over thousands of years alongside humans developed a wariness about our species. This development probably started when we first started tipping over turtles, so that by the time we had the technology and language skills to bring down big game, most of the local animal kingdom understood that humans = being had for dinner.

Not so in places where humans weren't. When humans arrived in new lands with spears and hunting parties, they were able to walk right up to big and little tasty beasties alike and skrrrrkkk. (That's the finger-being-slid-across-the-neck noise.) The result — fairly rapid extinction.

Mr. Diamond rattled off a few of these species (some I'd never heard of) that sounded cool enough to write down and check out later. This is that later, and these are those animals. Behold:

(A little extinction music, please —)

1. Australian Megafauna.

These guys lived in Australia until the boats started arriving, about 35,000 years ago.

1.1. Giant Kangaroo.

Red Kangaroos are big enough to scare me a little bit. These extinct giants (Procoptodon goliah) stood as high as three meters tall, which (in case we still aren't teaching the metric system) means that a big one could stand up in our hallway, but without much room to spare. Each of its legs ended a single giant claw. Very creepy. Thank you, early Australian settlers, for making sure that I never see one of these outside of my nightmares. (It probably doesn't help that the one in the drawing here is kind of watching you out of the corner of its beady eye, just waiting for you to let your guard down; then it's HOP!! SKRRRRKKK!!)

(Still thinking you'll sleep soundly tonight? What if I told you that there was also a carnivorous kangaroo? Here's a picture.)

1.2. A Wombat the Size of a Rhino.

Seriously — a two-ton relative of the wombat and the koala standing six feet tall at the shoulders. The Diprotodon may be the source of the aboriginal legend of the Bunyip. (What's up with the Australian tic of giving everything cute names? Bunyips sound like something that might be kind of sweet, not like beasts whose "blood-curdling cries can be heard as they devour any animal that ventures near their abodes.") Again, the extinction of the Diprotodon went something like this:

Invading human: Mind if I stab you to death?
Diprotodon: Sure, why not. I don't know what "stabbing" or "death" are, but it's a nice afternoon and I'm up for whatever. Maybe after we skrrrrkkk.

1.3. Marsupial Leopard.

I'll just turn this one right over to Wikipedia:

Pound for pound, Thylacoleo carnifex had the strongest bite of any mammal species living or extinct; a 100 kg (220 lb) T. carnifex had a bite comparable to that of a 250 kg (551 lb) African Lion and is thought to have hunted large animals such as Diprotodon spp. and giant kangaroos. It also had extremely strong forelimbs, with retractable catlike claws, a trait previously unseen in marsupials. Thylacoleo also possessed enormous hooded claws set on large semi-opposable thumbs, which were used to capture and disembowel prey. The long muscular tail was similar to that of a kangaroo. Specialized tail bones called chevrons allowed the animal to tripod itself, and freed the front legs for slashing and grasping.

Its strong forelimbs, retracting claws and incredibly powerful jaws mean that it may have been possible for Thylacoleo to climb trees and perhaps to carry carcasses to keep the kill for itself (similar to the leopard today). Due to its unique predatory morphology, scientists repeatedly claim Thylacoleo to be the most specialized mammalian carnivore of all time.

Now you know the answer to the following question: "An animal the size of a leopard is tripodding itself while slashing at you with its retractable claws; you try desperately to stay clear of its steel-trap jaws; you know that even if the animal does not succeed in killing you and dragging your carcass into a nearby tree, it has a tiny version of itself hidden in its pocket to finish you off; what animal is mauling you?" How about a picture? This one (from Wikipedia) makes it look like a buff cousin of Pikachu:

But check these out:

1.4. Reptiles.

The Megalania is related to the komodo dragon, but twice the size. As in 7 meters (23 feet) long. The guy who named it was combining the Greek words for "great" (for obvious reasons) and "roamer" (because it's a terrestrial lizard, see). But the combination is the same thing you'd get if you combined the Greek words for "great" and "butcher". Ooops! I'll just point this out — along with the shifty-eyed drawing of the giant kangaroo up there — as examples of how extinct species do not hire public relations representatives.

Also, there was a seven meter-long crocodile with legs under its body (all the better to chase you through your nightmares with) that had blade-like teeth for slicing. And a ten meter-long python. Ten meters! That means it could eat its own tail for 15 feet before it would be all like "I'm halfway through eating myself!"

2. Dodo.

The dodo first met humans in 1581 and was extinct 100 years later. A record? (No, probably not. The moa was a 12 ft tall flightless bird living in New Zealand whose only predator was Haast's eagle, with a wingspan of 10 ft, until the Maori killed the last moa less than 100 years later; the eagles had nothing to eat, so they all decided to die too.) Dodos don't taste very good, they say, so maybe we just screwed up their environment.

3. Giant Lemur.

I'm getting sleepy, but before I go, I'll just toss out there that there once were giant lemurs in Madagascar (pleased to meet you, little green bird)…

4. Giant Flightless Geese.

…and there were giant flightless geese in Hawaii and we're done.